Networking is touted as the best resource for professional success and personal growth. Whether you are looking for a job, professional development, business opportunities or shared-interest socializing, networking is said to be the key. But like any other key, it doesn’t work unless it clicks.

What clicks for an intellectually curious introvert like me are organized interactions that engage through knowledge (real problem solving) and sincerity. In other words, if you want to engage me, your pitch must make sense. You can’t sell me dog food if I don’t have a dog.

When I first ventured into business networking, I felt like I was trying to light a wet match in a dark cave, because the journey was filled with some frustrations. While I did meet sincere people who genuinely supported me and vice-versa, I wasn’t prepared for:

• Aggressive people who push their product/services within 90 seconds of first contact and offer evasive answers beyond their elevator pitch. They demand your immediate trust and business card and tell you they will call you soon about their product. To aggressors, you don’t need a dog to buy dog food; you need to start with the food because that’s what they’ve got.
• “Back to me” people who try too hard to be interesting without being interested in anyone else. They talk excessively about themselves without listening to anyone else, because they are fascinating to know so you need to get onboard. They brag about numbers—the number of events they attend, the number of things they do and the number of people they know. Backers never ask if you have a dog; they just start spamming you about their dog food.
• “Weary networkers” who are over the networking scene because they are meeting the same people most of the time. They recognize the value of networking, but have reached their peak; they can’t stop coming because they need to look interested for business purposes. They can tell you about numerous networking events and can accurately predict who will attend. If they hear another dog food elevator pitch, they may howl.

After attending several events, it started looking like the same tune with a different singer. Most events offered the same format, information and people. Some of them try different approaches to remove the weariness, the aggressiveness and the connection collectors, but the organizers soon learn that initially attracting people is far easier than retaining them. Some find innovative ways to encourage retention; others continue to look for the answers at the back of the book by sticking to traditional topics without soliciting attendees’ feedback to create more relevant content.

In spite of frustrations and the time commitment, networking is valuable and, ultimately, worth the efforts to search for the right organization(s) and people that click with you. To that end, I encourage diversifying your network to include:

• Organizations in your current professional/business industry
• Organizations in industries you would like to get to know better to broaden your perspective
• A group that focuses on fun around common interests
• A community service group because in order to receive, giving is a prerequisite

My brother successfully demonstrated this when he created a reciprocal network after leaving the military as an engineer and becoming a Realtor. Although he had an MBA, I had my doubts. His experience and education was based in math and engineering—and to me that was Swahili for not necessarily a people-person. He dispelled my doubts by building a network about the “home buying experience” rather than selling real estate, which resulted in record breaking sales and service awards for him. He had a sincere desire to help people and not just sell to them; his proclivity for service and relationship-building earned him overwhelming referrals and repeat business.

Great networks are built on a sincere reciprocal infrastructure stemming from relationship first and business second, which cannot be created overnight.  Established networks are helpful, especially when you are experiencing challenges, because they can offer support quicker than newer connections.

With any worthwhile journey you will encounter frustrations along the way, but you shouldn’t give up entirely. Instead, continue to seek an organization that clicks with you so, through your challenges, you won’t have to experience the difference between people saying “Sure, I can help you,” or just letting their silence be more charitable than words.

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Written by: Gwendolyn M. Ward, Principal at FOOW?

FOOW? Latest Blogs: http://www.foowater.com/blogs/

Email: swimming@foowater.com

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When a friend asked me to write about workplace bullying, I remembered the first time I was bullied by a senior manager. She told me I was doing a great job but needed to learn how to “kiss her a#$” (her words) for a promotion. Her boldness took me off guard and I blurted, “that aint NEVER going to happen!” My response ignited a one-year battle of wills over boundaries.

For most of us, defining boundaries is an ongoing, complex journey that typically starts in childhood. I was eight when bullied by teenagers while walking home from school with my cousin. We ignored them using the ‘sticks and stones’ mantra until one day, one of them pushed me in the street. Since we were outnumbered and outsized, I decided to tell my big brother but my grandmother saw me first and asked what was wrong. I told her.

My grandmother immediately asked where they lived and went to their house, introduced herself and stated why she was there. The bullies denied everything and she calmly told them “lie or truth, you or not you, these two are off-limits, so do not speak to or touch us again and tell your friends.” She didn’t state a consequence; she just set the boundary and the bullying ended. This was my bullying defining moment because I knew when my butt hit that concrete, I needed help beyond me and, fortunately, my grandmother was fearless.

I was also fearless when battling my first bullying manager; I wasn’t going to be intimidated and she was equally determined to break me. I was wholly engaged in the fight until a peer said it was creating a hostile environment and I needed to go to Human Resources (HR). The HR manager said in a meandering, emphatic way that senior management “is what it is at that level” and since my performance wasn’t suffering, I was handling it. End result from HR: If I was on fire and needed water, I would have been ashes.

But instead of burning, I emailed my documentation to a senior executive who sent it to the HR executive who addressed it with the bully and the HR managers. The senior executive and I met and discussed the art of office politics, as well as my confrontational skills and value to the company. He encouraged me to consider another management position, but I realized that on some twisted level, the battle of wills was an unconscious distraction from the fact that I no longer found the job challenging. His responsiveness was appreciated, but I started a job search and accepted an offer six weeks later.

Bullying became pervasive as I continued to climb the corporate ladder. In most cases, it was rolling downhill from C-Suite positions. Through these trials, my boundaries remained intact, but I improved my confrontation skills by being assertive and not antagonistic. Generally, the bullies backed off immediately—and when they didn’t, I escalated it.

Most bullies are scared of confrontation, which is why they typically hide behind their position or size for intimidation. Simply put, they wouldn’t do it if it didn’t work. It’s like a fix and, like any other addict, they crave the high. Workplace bullying is a multi-level permission fix requiring weakening consent. Bullies deflect their weaknesses with superficial strength by exploiting working relationships, the bullied person struggles with setting and maintaining boundaries, and the companies allows it when they fail to implement a standard conduct policy for employees, regardless of position or expertise.

Sometimes bullying is stuck at the victims’ level because they are afraid to report it, which is the key reason a bully needs an agreeable target…sometimes it works for them:

• In a company meeting, a senior manager’s boss screamed she was an idiot for taking notes while she was speaking. The boss was using the F-bomb at the manager in front of her subordinates and peers, and the manager visually cowered and remained silent. After the meeting, coworkers told the manager that she took the high road, but to me it looked like road kill because it was painful to watch.

And sometimes…not so much:

• One coworker expressed indifference to a boss’ attempted bullying by saying, “I was eating when I accepted this job and I’ll be eating when I leave─either from home or from the jail cell they throw me in for assaulting you.” The boss looked startled, walked away and the bullying ceased.

No one can determine your limits or set your boundaries better than you. That’s why the first line of defense is always you—stand up for yourself first and, if you don’t have the strength, seek help. If the help isn’t helpful, seek additional help or find an exit. It’s not easy to stand up, but neither is constant humiliation. Martin Luther King said it best with “A man can’t ride your back unless it’s bent.”

Written by: Gwendolyn M. Ward, Principal at FOOW?

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Trying to find the ideal job is like trying to find the ideal mate. Mr. Right may sound good on paper but off of it, his issues coupled with yours may overflow a newsstand. So what do you do?

1) Decide quickly based on the first few meetings that “he’s just not that into you” or vice versa and keep looking OR

2) Date him to determine if the good outweighs the bad. If it does, make the most of it. If it doesn’t, leave a bit wiser OR

3) Settle into an unfulfilling relationship because you feel it is safer than searching for someone else, or identifying what you want and pursuing it. So you redirect your discontent by focusing on your mate’s issues, to avoid focusing on your own…believing that “treading water” in a bad relationship is favorable than swimming towards something better.

Searching for the “right” job can follow this same trend; when you think it’s the Ideal Job on paper, REALITY throws salt in your fantasy leaving you sometimes optimistic, wiser, or just a bit salty.

In a FOOW? workshop, a participant four years into his first job after college said he hated his job with a passion. After two years of job searching and constant interviewing he wasn’t getting any offers despite his marketable degree. I made a personal observation and told him we could discuss it offline; he said I could inform the group.

I said his bitterness about his job was following him around like a bad odor. Until he got rid of it, he wouldn’t see progress. I explained that hiring managers are looking for someone to solve their problems and not add to them, so he needed to leave his “Bitterman” home—especially during interviews. Better yet, get rid of him because otherwise he will keep you in a viscous cycle of discontent. I also encouraged him to deconstruct his discontent by interviewing his ego to determine the source of the bitterness. Was it linked to him, the job or both? If it was him, another job would only be a temporary solution. He agreed that he was bitter, understood my perspective and thanked me for being brutally honest. Yeah, he said brutal.

Like your first date, companies are looking for people who are running towards them, not running from something. Sometimes our “Mr. Right” requirements are one-sided—we list his irrefutable requirements without acknowledging our own irrefutable flaws. This results in us bringing nothing more than “wants” to the expectation table, while looking for big returns for ourselves.

I have had people tell me they would do a better job when they work for a better company or when they get a better raise or a better promotion. But until then, they will do just enough. In other words, they want the company to prove that it deserves their effort, which is a bit delusional.

Delusion can be divine in a temporary state (like the honeymoon period in a relationship). But long term, delusion tends to overfeed your ego, inflating it until a collision with reality is inevitable. For example, one time I was eating lunch with coworkers and one of them was calling her boyfriend’s ex-girlfriends ugly. I said, ALL of them were ugly and she said yes. So I asked if she was the exception or the rule. She laughed it off, but her eyes were cursing me out. I was honestly asking out of curiosity, because I was fascinated with her ego.

Reality can be a humbling messenger even when delivered through big-mouth curiosity. Accepting reality means you have to accept responsibility for your own satisfaction. And I can attest from personal experience that that’s not easy—and so deflecting reality is comfortable even when it is counter-productive.

Discovering if you need to improve what you know to get what you want, or improve who you are to get who you want, is all about you and your ability to respond to challenges. The dog may have eaten your “homework” when you were eight, but did he eat your “motivation” at 28, 38, 48, 58?

Having a job you hate is like being in a loveless marriage with someone who pays the bills you can’t afford. In both cases, you stay and grow bitter—treading water, because it is hard to say goodbye to misery if you don’t leave.

There is no one path to success, but defining yours starts with you making a concerted effort to do better at identifying what you want, how to get it and pursuing it. “Your work is to discover your work, and then with all your heart to give yourself to it” is an applicable Buddha quote.

You will encounter issue-laden people and companies in your personal and professional lives; just remember that failure isn’t a bad teacher, but failing to learn is. If the mountain was smooth, you couldn’t climb it. At some point it is not the people, job, or situation that’s not “right”—it is simply the “I” in bitter…which is you.

Written by: Gwendolyn M. Ward, Principal at FOOW?

Website: http://www.foowater.com

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Email: swimming@foowater.com

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Years ago, I was hired to replace a manager who was staying with the company but moving to another department. In my first meeting with the manager, she provided a synopsis of the 35-member team, identifying winners, troublemakers and the borderline losers (her words). I don’t know what part of the ego her labeling came from, but it was revealing.

Labels aside, I engaged the team through a series of meetings where we introduced ourselves, talked about our backgrounds and discussed performance expectations. When some team members wanted to complain about the previous manager, I stopped them and made it clear that our relationship started the day we met. Any unresolved relationship issues were irrelevant, because I wasn’t interested in co-starring in anybody’s drama.

Several weeks in, I was getting acclimated and having a great time with the team. Our only hitch was the previous manager. She constantly asked me if I was experiencing the same issues with the same people she had. When I said no, she would become agitated and start repeating her synopsis. I realized she wasn’t concerned about a successful transition, but was more concerned about being right. She didn’t want me to replace her—she wanted me to extend her leadership reign.

Although she was like a slow-acting poison, I was patient with her because I understood how difficult it is to watch someone replace you, especially if you don’t know how to let go. If your replacement makes changes, for better or for worse, it means either you were lacking or your replacement is destroying your good works. It’s a difficult situation for the previous manager to witness and some may become too sensitive to the changes, thus creating an ungraceful exit.

After my patience and diplomacy ran its course, I used the advice of Henri Frederic Amiel, “A man must be able to cut a knot, for everything cannot be untied.” So I cut the knot by telling her I wasn’t interested in team members disparaging her and vice versa so hit the road and take your “misery needs company” labeling show with you. Needless to say, she didn’t go quietly, but she did go.

Learning the art of exiting gracefully is challenging because Emotions supersede Intellect and Ego beats the crap out of Common Sense. This is why break-ups are hard and, unfortunately in some cases, filled with bad things like strife and tacky drama coupled with collateral damage—all for the sake of SOMEONE needing to “be right.”

In the worst workplace situations, the “being right” need commonly manifests itself in ungraceful exits. We see this when people:

•Submit their notice and then go on a ‘negativity campaign’ about anything and everyone
•Submit their notice and make a concerted effort not to work another day for two weeks
•Not submit a notice and not return or send an email stating yesterday was their last day
•Commit acts of violence that we see in the news headlines

Exiting a bad personal or professional situation is a puzzle with a lot of pieces. And like a jigsaw puzzle, the pieces must interlock to create a bigger picture beyond your current situation. One time I was considering a young candidate for a high stress position and we were on the fence about his decision-making skills. We decided to check his references and a previous employer told us that on his last day, he forged his manager’s signature when he wanted to leave early and the manager wasn’t available. They also said that prior to this incident he was a good employee but this action was unacceptable. If I didn’t already have reservations about his judgment, I could have cited immaturity but since I did, we didn’t hire him.

Considering the bigger picture vs. acting on current frustration may serve you better if you ask yourself “what will I accomplish by trying to exact revenge?” and “what if I need a clearance or reference in the future, will my exit negatively impact this? Even if you are feeling unappreciated or wronged, why taint your previous successes or contributions with a bitter exit?

A better option to serve your bigger picture is to be grateful for your new job and celebrate your victory by giving proper notice, completing all the work you can and creating an action plan for the next person. Just release the “bitter” and move to “better.”

Whether it is a personal or professional exit, sometimes you have to use the motto: “I don’t want to be your friend or foe; it is just time for me to go.” It doesn’t mean the person or the organization isn’t good, it just means they weren’t good for you.

Written by: Gwendolyn M. Ward, Principal at FOOW?
Website: http://www.foowater.com
Email: swimming@foowater.com

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A friend was buying cigarettes and a stranger said, “The surgeon general said smoking can be hazardous to your health.” My friend responded, “Did they also tell you that #$!@ing with me can be hazardous to your health?” The stranger opted to move to another line. 

When my friend told me about this encounter I laughed and then asked “why the heated response since you don’t smoke?” and she said, “because it wasn’t any of their business!” Now I don’t know if the stranger’s advice was sincere or sardonic, but I do know that giving advice, solicited or unsolicited, can be hazardous.

Whether you are the giver or receiver of advice, timing appears to be more critical than the truth; this is the principle behind the quote, “The truth out of season bears no fruit.” Unfortunately, most of us didn’t get the memo about how to tell advice time. I remember the first time I had to fly, I asked my cousin, an experienced flyer, for advice. He said, “Get a window seat because if it’s your time to go, at least you will see it coming.” His advice wasn’t elegant or comforting, but I took it—and thousands of flown miles later, I still remember it as the ugly truth.

Over the years, I have realized that many people can’t handle the truth even when they ask for it. I have had friends, co-workers, family and some strangers ask for advice, prefacing the request with, “I want you to tell me the honest truth.” And I foolishly thought they meant it:

• A co-worker told me she was written up for spending too much time on her personal business and for doing an overall inadequate job. She asked me for honest feedback. I proceeded to provide examples of my interactions with her, which unfortunately supported her manager’s review. I also said that she had one of the most patient managers around, because I would have written her up six months ago. Maybe I shouldn’t have added the last part, because she walked out and never spoke to me again.
• A friend was complaining about her boyfriend of five years, saying he was unmotivated and aimless. When she asked for my “honest” opinion, I said “fixing him doesn’t fix you.” You don’t have any anchors (marriage, children or mortgage) with him, but you still continue the relationship—even though you’re always talking about him like he’s an uninvited guest in your life. The question isn’t “what is wrong with him?,” but “what is wrong with you?” She left the conversation with a few curse words for me and didn’t speak to me for two years.

I’ve learned professionally and personally that even if you are invited to give your opinion, you shouldn’t accept every invitation. The simple truth is that people aren’t always honest about looking for honesty. In some cases, they are looking for you to co-sign their views instead of presenting a different one.

To reduce hazards in this game of advice, I TRY to follow two rules: Don’t go where you aren’t invited, and make every effort to understand the invitation. By understanding the invitation, you can weigh your RSVP options: whether to turn it down (pretty lie), come as you are (ugly truth) or dress for the occasion (sugarcoat it). Most importantly, if you do accept, you cannot overstay your welcome. Get in and get out. Then let nature take its course, because life will either beat you or teach you through your journey to maturity.

Over the years I have offered my cousin’s flying advice to nervous flyers. The same advice that I took in stride inspires a spectrum of reactions from others, from outrage to laughter. Not everyone respects the “ugly truth,” despite the saying that the truth will set you free—because some people just like being tied up.  

Complete honesty can derail a conversation or relationship faster than an oil spill on wet pavement. Tread lightly when you are asked for advice, because sometimes you need to leave people in the ditch until they are ready to be set free.

Written by: Gwendolyn M. Ward

Principal at FOOW?

Email: swimming@foowater.com

When talking about workplace “traumas” from senior management to the front desk, a common theme is ineffective managers and why they exist. Frequent complaints center on promotions stemming from seniority only, office politics or some other ‘What Duh?’ advancement that is more mysterious than the Bermuda Triangle.

When I hear managers refer to an employee as ‘bad,’ it bothers me because ‘bad’ is more about the manager than the employee. As a manager/leader, it’s your responsibility to correct the actions of employees in a reasonable period or terminate them. Allowing an unproductive, disengaged or disruptive employee to continue his or her employment is equivalent to slowly releasing toxins in your corporate environment. Over the years, colleagues have opposed my philosophy, but we have agreed to disagree because leadership accountability can be a sensitive subject.

At one point in my career I was nicknamed “the terminator” because I was given a department that was significantly underperforming with 100s of people on staff. My boss solicited me to take this challenge with “you have a direct but fair participatory leadership style with a knack for teambuilding, which is needed in this department.” Life Lesson: Accepting “spin” can earn you 14 hour work days and an unflattering nickname, but I digressed. After carefully assessing the issues, I implemented infrastructure that increased accountability, training, team engagement and clearer communications. The goal was to create an environment of accountability and appreciation without intimidation, by inspiring the chaos to become order, the lazy to become productive, and the productive to become appreciated.

I re-evaluated performances in the new infrastructure and started top-to-bottom terminations. Ironically, the biggest concern came from my boss and the biggest appreciation came from the employees who were successfully contributing, but lumped with people who were just showing up.

My boss wanted me to select a few known ‘bad’ employees and terminate them. I said, “No, we are going to give everyone an opportunity to step up. Because if they were ‘bad,’ it was my predecessor’s fault due to inconsistent feedback and follow through.”

The majority of the terminations went smoothly; the people were calm, understanding and, in some cases, relieved. Some asked for career advice and a few told me they couldn’t believe they lasted as long. Only 40% of the known ‘bad’ employees were terminated, while the rest stepped up. The most indignation came from terminations in the leadership positions-some saying it wasn’t their fault they had ‘bad’ employees. In the end, the department was successful and I was unfortunately named the terminator. I realized that throughout the leadership rank, several managers including my boss could not or would not lead, thus creating a cycle of poor performance. There are too many managers who love the title, money or power, but reject the responsibility. They end up just getting by, while negatively impacting morale, attrition and revenue.

Many management promotions are one dimensional, prompted by seniority, non management performance or a recommendation. This is problematic, because great engineers don’t always make a great engineering manager; leading is a very different skill set.

A more effective approach would be comprehensive, focusing on the individual’s current performance coupled with personality assessments, 360 evaluations and situational management interviews. A comprehensive approach meets candidates where they are-to either identify their capabilities or select them out of the process while pairing the promoted people with good mentoring and leadership development programs.

When people are placed in management positions haphazardly, it can create a collision between reality and ego. The result is a wreck of denial, manifesting as toxic behaviors: micro-managing, controlling, passive aggressiveness, chaos, bullying, poor judgments and constantly deflecting issues to Human Resources to avoid responsibility.

Leading people is a continuous challenge that requires frequent visits to your “ugly truth” to ask: Can you do it? Or should you keep doing it, if you aren’t effective or don’t like it? If you can’t successfully deal with conflict, confrontations, inspiring unmotivated people or finding solutions to problems-big or small…then leadership is not for you. Having the title without owning the responsibility is about effective as a tire without air.

So if you are a manager who often complains about always getting the ‘bad’ employees, I encourage you to check your rearview mirror to see if you are the train in that train wreck.

Written by: Gwendolyn M. Ward, Principal at FOOW?

When I was 13, I heard my great aunt say that she purchased an expensive car because she hated her job and needed an incentive to stay. Years later, when I struggled with my own discontent and watched others struggles with theirs, her words resonated with me. I may have been gainfully employed at the time, but I felt painfully employed.

During my struggle, I vacillated between excitement, swinking (not quite swimming, not quite sinking) and painful employment: excited with any new opportunities, swinking when they didn’t fulfill my expectations, and painfully employed when I became too comfortable being uncomfortable.

Three words, “comfortable being uncomfortable,” and one quote, “if you don’t know what port you are sailing to, no wind is favorable,” summed up my painful employment. I produced the results, but my constant boredom and impatience had me in a cycle of discontent. I didn’t know what I wanted to do, just what I disliked doing while waiting for an undefined ‘something” to happen.

I wanted everyone to change but me, because rejecting responsibility by just complaining was easier than being accountable. My family and friends wanted me to find peace, not only for my sake but for theirs. Plus my dog went from covering his ears with his paws to stuffing his head under the couch cushion during my complaints. Dog hints aside, being painfully employed was all consuming for me and the people in my life. Then I started getting on my own nerves. That, coupled with the fear that my dog might suffocate, prompted me to change.

I started pursing jobs outside of my comfort zone to build confidence. I dealt with the expected, the unexpected, the crazy, the scary, the overwhelming and I survived. Through these experiences, I grew personally and professionally, gained invaluable experience and discovered the difference between surviving and thriving. Once I made the decision to change, executing was easy for me. But years later I still see that this decision isn’t easy for every painful employee (PE):

- A PE friend was ranting about her job; not only was her glass half empty, but it was cracked and the water leaking wasn’t wet enough. I asked if she could name five things that she was grateful for and she said, “No.” I said, “You have all five of your senses and you and your child is healthy — that’s seven things in three seconds.” She walked away. I later realized that my response was equivalent to dashing a bucket of water over a fire that she had painstakingly built.

-A coworker two years out of college complained incessantly about “stupid” management decisions. I encouraged him to find another job, because he was smart but inexperienced and needed a broader perspective.  This would anger him because he didn’t want to change (sound familiar?), but wanted others to. Every week he sought me out despite having hundreds of colleagues to debate his point, and I repeated my response. He eventually resigned, but returned a year later, humbled because he swam with bigger, smarter fish and didn’t receive the attention he wanted. His humbleness lasted three months until he started complaining again.

- Another PE announced twice weekly that she was looking for another job. After two years, I asked about her job search and she responded that her résumé needed updating. I offered to help her with it, but she wanted to do the first draft. She is going on her tenth year at the same job with the same complaints.

Unfortunately for some, if there is a cure for it, they don’t want it. Being painfully employed is akin to being a professional victim and, like any profession; it takes time and dedication to become proficient. The painfully employed want change without changing, and this conflict keeps them stranded in a place where they can refuse assistance, but still yell at anyone passing by.

My great aunt retired from her job after 45 years and she can still tell you how much she hated it. Although she is in a different generation, some would say the more things change, the more they stay the same. But what I would say is sometimes you have to just shut up and fish by choosing to manage change over managing pain. It’s the only way to keep personal growth from becoming your Sisyphean task.

Written by: Gwendolyn M. Ward, Principal at FOOW?

One definition of ‘challenge’ is a call to engage in a contest, fight, or competition.  We hear a lot about challenges these days, especially in reference to the economy…”These are challenging times or Especially in these economically challenging times.”

To adapt in “challenging” times it is critical to put the boxing gloves on and accept the call to engage. When I talk to people in transition-due to job loss or a lack of connection with their current job-those struggling most are failing to accept “the call to engage.” From young graduates to seasoned professionals, their capacity to engage in the interesting lesson of cause and effect is leaving a lot of unanswered questions:

-        More than 20 years after graduation, a college alum tells me he has been unemployed for more than a year and he is struggling to keep his house in this economy. He has a very marketable degree, but never held a job longer than three years; in several jobs, he stayed less than one year. When asked: Is it possible that the problem lies with you and not the economy? Have you considered looking outside of your zip code or in another state, since your degree is marketable despite the economy? His response was “No” followed by rambling excuses blaming others and then, defensive silence.

-        An MBA graduate says she’s been looking for full-time employment for 10 years while working temporary/contract jobs. She blames the economy. When again asked: Is it possible that you might be the issue, because the economy hasn’t been bad for 10 years? She vehemently said NO, stating that she always performs excellent work. She was then asked: Do you have that in writing from any of the managers you have worked for in the last 10 years? She said no, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t performing well.

-        A young college graduate tells me that she would rather tend bar than work in her field as a gopher. When asked: Which path will likely help you to the upper half of your degreed field: starting at the bottom and working your way up, or tending bar until a top position opens requiring your degree, coupled with no industry experience and several years of bartending? She said she makes more money as a bartender vs. starting out in an entry level job; I said: why can’t you do both?

Transitioning from where you are to where you need to go isn’t easy; it requires you to become connected to the cause and effect of your actions, and to own them by taking responsibility. To engage in something successfully, especially in a competition or fight, you must have the ability to take a punch and respond with a counter punch (meaningful reaction)-and remain standing.  You aren’t engaged if you just take the punches, without bothering to move, change or get out the way.

To think that you are engaged when you are making little effort while expecting big results, finding excuses for staying where you are, blaming someone else, or just being blind to the lesson of cause and effect-only makes you bitter instead of better.

There are many roads to success and the trip will include numerous challenges requiring us to change lanes, change directions or just change scenes. How we engage in these challenges determines whether we grow up taking responsibility, or grow old rejecting it. Even a car can’t keep the same tires forever, because change is good for the drive.

Written by: Gwendolyn M. Ward, Principal at FOOW?

My nephew called to tell me about his new car and I shared my first car experience at 16: I told him that during the first night I kept looking out the window to verify that it was real. He laughed and admitted that he had done the same thing. When we disconnected, I thought about the “honeymoon period” we tend to have with people and things, and how exhilarating it is at first until it morphs into feelings far less interesting like responsibility. 

Several cars later, I never did a “reality check” after bringing them home, because to me, they were just responsibility wrapped up in transportation. My first car represented freedom since I didn’t have to borrow my parents’ car, or wait for a ride after school or from work. It was my car and I was driving on cloud nine until responsibility swerved in front of me. Understanding responsibility is relatively straightforward when it comes to financial matters; you either execute with timeliness or not, based on your maturity and means. On the other hand, the ability to respond when it involves relationships, personal or professional can be more complicated.

This became clear when an alumnus told me how her excitement after graduation led her and friends to visit their Alma Mater frequently the first year. After the second year, the excitement waned and it became a hassle and they lost interest. Four years drifted by and they hadn’t participated in any activities. When I asked her to define hassle, she said the eight-hour round trip, her job, boyfriend, the football team and possibly her three-legged dog or hog-I wasn’t sure because she was talking in circles. The short version was “she hated to miss it, but she really didn’t want to go.” Not only was her excitement gone, it was completely lost and she wasn’t trying to find it.

This conversation colorfully summed up the main challenge of Alma Maters after graduation, RELEVANCE. How do they matter and keep the relevance while their Alums’ lives evolve? What I wanted to say to the Alum with the three-legged hog was, “you got a life, right?” It made sense that she would go back to the familiar when surrounded by the unfamiliar. She graduated, moved to a new city and didn’t know many people. So she bonded with her college friends and they all went back to the familiar, their Alma Mater. That was fun until they became familiar with their new lives and perhaps realized that the value of those alumni activities had faded away, to the point that it no longer outweighed the efforts required to stay connected.

Familiarity and value are strongly connected to donations. A friend curtly told me that she didn’t donate to her university because she didn’t feel a connection. She donated and supported a number of charities from cancer to heart associations, but donating to her Alma Mater was not an option. She received a great education and paid a great sum to get it, NEXT! To her, it was black-and-white, but that is not always the case. We asked Alums:

 Have you ever donated money to your college? Why? 

56% – Yes and 44% No 

Most of the Yeses were people who received some type of scholarship themselves, so they wanted to pay it forward with the next generation. Other reasons stated were pride in their college, a way to give back, a way to show support to a particular program like the drama club or another club in which they were involved. 

Most of the Nos didn’t provide reasons. Maybe, like my friend, it was an emphatic No!, followed by NEXT. The few that provided reasons said they couldn’t afford it, their school didn’t need it, or paying their student loans is their donation. 

Again, Mattering appears to be the overall challenge for colleges/universities to connect and stay connected with their Alums. In our previous blogs, 88% of Alums said they did not participate in their alumni activities while 66% said they did not feel that their Alma Mater supported them beyond graduation.  For some Alma Maters, defining Mattering will be harder than creating fire with a wet match, but for others it will light a fire under their creativity to reach out and become relevant on different levels outside of their current view. Because loyalty is not inherent upon graduation, especially with the millennial generation: it is EARNED.

My encounter with church envelopes taught me that in a career train wreck every light in the tunnel is not a way out.

At the time, my job was a train wreck pile-up of unchallenging responsibilities coupled with bickering, backstabbing, and bitter co-workers on the management team. I was frantically sending out résumés to escape this disaster and a company contacted me, looking for a manager to create infrastructure to improve their employee and customer experience. Since that was my fame, I took the bait and arrived at the interview revving to go. I immediately learned that the division created church envelopes. And the hiring manager had more passion about the envelopes than a half-naked, painted football fan in Wisconsin.

The manager effused enthusiastically about geographic areas, various religions and the intriguing intricacies of the church envelope business. His enthusiasm, fascination for the product and his accomplishments were clearly a thrill a minute to himself. I, on the other hand, was underwhelmed. Being curious by nature and harboring a love of problem solving, I have never once wondered about the origins of church envelopes. And yet, there I sat, listening to the story behind the churches and the envelopes with a plastered smile…wondering about the injury potential of leaping from a 4^th floor window in a suit and 3-inch heels.

Church envelopes plus a manager who focused on his accomplishments while dismissing employee development to off-the-shelf tape viewings equaled what? Another train wreck? Or was I being paranoid? So I started asking questions to clarify expectations and they basically went unanswered; instead, he stayed on the course of describing his accomplishments over the years. Without a doubt, there was an “I” in his team, which meant his definition of progress was myopic at best, and more underwhelming than church envelopes. It was also clear that he wasn’t the one pushing for this new position and wasn’t on board.

At some point, I realized that jumping out the window in the middle of the interview was, at a minimum, unprofessional. But still, I had to lecture my desperate self who was urging me on, “take it!, at least you will escape your current wreck.” My logical self was saying, Girl you better RECOGNIZE that every light in the tunnel isn’t an escape, sometimes it’s just another train. I finally threw my desperate self out the window and kept sending résumés until I received a better match.

Personally or professionally, change can be a challenge. However, when your desperate self is in complete control, the results can be unfavorable regardless of the challenge. A little desperation mixed with logic is not a bad thing. Desperation can motivate you to change, and logic can help you evaluate past decisions that resulted in your current situation.

Later, I realized that the interview was a meeting of despair, where the manager was desperate to maintain the status quo and I was desperate to escape my wreck. By luck, my logical self slapped my desperate self off the train tracks which lead to better decision making by me. For the manager, I assumed he eventually got on board because for change to happen favorably, buy-in is needed-especially at the leadership level. If not, you will have a situation where someone is always waiting for his or her turn to speak, without the benefit of listening. We asked Alums…How can the Alum Associations or Career Centers improve?

For Alumni Associations and Career Centers

“Offering courses that help further develop your

professional career roadmap/skills as you transition through the different stages in your career. Helping

to evaluate what has worked in your career, what’s important, and how your path needs to change as your lifestyle evolves with work/family.”

“Offer assistance in transitioning to a career or during a job transition.”

“Do MBTI, focus on what you can

find passion in for your career.”

“Provide more outreach/services for gra

duates.”

“Go beyond the typically resume and interview tips to teaching real world tools that will keep me from feeling defeated while I am adjusting to life after graduation

“Alumni associations and career centers need to get outside their comfort zones and provide better support with career counseling before and after graduation.”

For Alumni Associations

“I enjoyed college but feel they should help students more with their careers after college. As students we invest so much in our education that I feel colleges should invest more in their students’ careers after college.”

“We have sister schools that maybe could have helped. Expand beyond your own alum.”

“Work on post graduation involvement and counseling, transition from school environment to work environment – developing skills needed to succeed in workplace (b/c it’s definitely not the same skills used in the school environment).”

“Students need to be aware of the services while attending. In addition, the emails I rec. are directed at donating funds not really speaking about the services that are offered.”

“Organize local chapters for alums who no longer live in the area.”

“Cultivate relationships with students before they graduate. And become more relevant when engaging students.”

“The Alumni Association can help with employment information.

“You already have our cash – now stick with us! The quarterly magazine doesn’t really speak to opportunities and continuing education.”

“Alum association can offer more of a variety of events.”

“Alum Associations are far more influential than career development centers. I suppose more infrastructure, more “Meet and Greets”, more direct mentoring/shadowing.”

“The Alumni Associations could work harder to connect with their graduates before graduation”.

“Provide more young alum events with reduced price tags!”

“The alumni associations should reach out more to graduates in states other than the ones in which their universities reside. Once you leave the state, the only time they seem to get in touch is when they need donations.”

“The Alumni Association website is hard to navigate and it is frustrating. We are scattered across the country but the center seems to focus on local events only- not cool.”

“It is more important than ever that students and grads have more support in the transition from college to the workforce. The Alumni Associations need to strengthen their transition support.”

For Career Centers

“I wish I had more career counseling. I am back in school in order to begin a second career. Getting “real life” experience made me better understand the type of career I wanted to pursue. I went from high school to a four year college and it wasn’t until I had my second job after college that I realized I wanted to pursue another career.”

“Perhaps by posting what opportunities the career centers have to offer to let people know how they are able to assist graduates in a career path and a job in that field of interest”

“Increase number of career fair type activities.”

“Getting students comfortable to different interviewing styles.”

“Career centers should offer internship opportunities for all students and not just those already enrolled in a major.”

“Having people from various businesses talk with the students- about jobs, the work, work hours, demands, and what they are looking for in employees.”

“Career centers should also be available to graduates who have become unemployed. They should have the resources there to help graduates improve their marketable skills.”

“I found that that career counselors were very unorganized but enthusiastic. I had little assistance from them in finding a job or even in what career path to choose. Ultimately I spent years as a waitress before I was discovered by my current boss.”