Networking is touted as the best resource for professional success and personal growth. Whether you are looking for a job, professional development, business opportunities or shared-interest socializing, networking is said to be the key. But like any other key, it doesn’t work unless it clicks.

What clicks for an intellectually curious introvert like me are organized interactions that engage through knowledge (real problem solving) and sincerity. In other words, if you want to engage me, your pitch must make sense. You can’t sell me dog food if I don’t have a dog.

When I first ventured into business networking, I felt like I was trying to light a wet match in a dark cave, because the journey was filled with some frustrations. While I did meet sincere people who genuinely supported me and vice-versa, I wasn’t prepared for:

• Aggressive people who push their product/services within 90 seconds of first contact and offer evasive answers beyond their elevator pitch. They demand your immediate trust and business card and tell you they will call you soon about their product. To aggressors, you don’t need a dog to buy dog food; you need to start with the food because that’s what they’ve got.
• “Back to me” people who try too hard to be interesting without being interested in anyone else. They talk excessively about themselves without listening to anyone else, because they are fascinating to know so you need to get onboard. They brag about numbers—the number of events they attend, the number of things they do and the number of people they know. Backers never ask if you have a dog; they just start spamming you about their dog food.
• “Weary networkers” who are over the networking scene because they are meeting the same people most of the time. They recognize the value of networking, but have reached their peak; they can’t stop coming because they need to look interested for business purposes. They can tell you about numerous networking events and can accurately predict who will attend. If they hear another dog food elevator pitch, they may howl.

After attending several events, it started looking like the same tune with a different singer. Most events offered the same format, information and people. Some of them try different approaches to remove the weariness, the aggressiveness and the connection collectors, but the organizers soon learn that initially attracting people is far easier than retaining them. Some find innovative ways to encourage retention; others continue to look for the answers at the back of the book by sticking to traditional topics without soliciting attendees’ feedback to create more relevant content.

In spite of frustrations and the time commitment, networking is valuable and, ultimately, worth the efforts to search for the right organization(s) and people that click with you. To that end, I encourage diversifying your network to include:

• Organizations in your current professional/business industry
• Organizations in industries you would like to get to know better to broaden your perspective
• A group that focuses on fun around common interests
• A community service group because in order to receive, giving is a prerequisite

My brother successfully demonstrated this when he created a reciprocal network after leaving the military as an engineer and becoming a Realtor. Although he had an MBA, I had my doubts. His experience and education was based in math and engineering—and to me that was Swahili for not necessarily a people-person. He dispelled my doubts by building a network about the “home buying experience” rather than selling real estate, which resulted in record breaking sales and service awards for him. He had a sincere desire to help people and not just sell to them; his proclivity for service and relationship-building earned him overwhelming referrals and repeat business.

Great networks are built on a sincere reciprocal infrastructure stemming from relationship first and business second, which cannot be created overnight.  Established networks are helpful, especially when you are experiencing challenges, because they can offer support quicker than newer connections.

With any worthwhile journey you will encounter frustrations along the way, but you shouldn’t give up entirely. Instead, continue to seek an organization that clicks with you so, through your challenges, you won’t have to experience the difference between people saying “Sure, I can help you,” or just letting their silence be more charitable than words.

Connect to our Blog: http://www.foowater.com/subscription.php

Written by: Gwendolyn M. Ward, Principal at FOOW?

FOOW? Latest Blogs: http://www.foowater.com/blogs/

Email: swimming@foowater.com

Website: http://www.foowater.com

When a friend asked me to write about workplace bullying, I remembered the first time I was bullied by a senior manager. She told me I was doing a great job but needed to learn how to “kiss her a#$” (her words) for a promotion. Her boldness took me off guard and I blurted, “that aint NEVER going to happen!” My response ignited a one-year battle of wills over boundaries.

For most of us, defining boundaries is an ongoing, complex journey that typically starts in childhood. I was eight when bullied by teenagers while walking home from school with my cousin. We ignored them using the ‘sticks and stones’ mantra until one day, one of them pushed me in the street. Since we were outnumbered and outsized, I decided to tell my big brother but my grandmother saw me first and asked what was wrong. I told her.

My grandmother immediately asked where they lived and went to their house, introduced herself and stated why she was there. The bullies denied everything and she calmly told them “lie or truth, you or not you, these two are off-limits, so do not speak to or touch us again and tell your friends.” She didn’t state a consequence; she just set the boundary and the bullying ended. This was my bullying defining moment because I knew when my butt hit that concrete, I needed help beyond me and, fortunately, my grandmother was fearless.

I was also fearless when battling my first bullying manager; I wasn’t going to be intimidated and she was equally determined to break me. I was wholly engaged in the fight until a peer said it was creating a hostile environment and I needed to go to Human Resources (HR). The HR manager said in a meandering, emphatic way that senior management “is what it is at that level” and since my performance wasn’t suffering, I was handling it. End result from HR: If I was on fire and needed water, I would have been ashes.

But instead of burning, I emailed my documentation to a senior executive who sent it to the HR executive who addressed it with the bully and the HR managers. The senior executive and I met and discussed the art of office politics, as well as my confrontational skills and value to the company. He encouraged me to consider another management position, but I realized that on some twisted level, the battle of wills was an unconscious distraction from the fact that I no longer found the job challenging. His responsiveness was appreciated, but I started a job search and accepted an offer six weeks later.

Bullying became pervasive as I continued to climb the corporate ladder. In most cases, it was rolling downhill from C-Suite positions. Through these trials, my boundaries remained intact, but I improved my confrontation skills by being assertive and not antagonistic. Generally, the bullies backed off immediately—and when they didn’t, I escalated it.

Most bullies are scared of confrontation, which is why they typically hide behind their position or size for intimidation. Simply put, they wouldn’t do it if it didn’t work. It’s like a fix and, like any other addict, they crave the high. Workplace bullying is a multi-level permission fix requiring weakening consent. Bullies deflect their weaknesses with superficial strength by exploiting working relationships, the bullied person struggles with setting and maintaining boundaries, and the companies allows it when they fail to implement a standard conduct policy for employees, regardless of position or expertise.

Sometimes bullying is stuck at the victims’ level because they are afraid to report it, which is the key reason a bully needs an agreeable target…sometimes it works for them:

• In a company meeting, a senior manager’s boss screamed she was an idiot for taking notes while she was speaking. The boss was using the F-bomb at the manager in front of her subordinates and peers, and the manager visually cowered and remained silent. After the meeting, coworkers told the manager that she took the high road, but to me it looked like road kill because it was painful to watch.

And sometimes…not so much:

• One coworker expressed indifference to a boss’ attempted bullying by saying, “I was eating when I accepted this job and I’ll be eating when I leave─either from home or from the jail cell they throw me in for assaulting you.” The boss looked startled, walked away and the bullying ceased.

No one can determine your limits or set your boundaries better than you. That’s why the first line of defense is always you—stand up for yourself first and, if you don’t have the strength, seek help. If the help isn’t helpful, seek additional help or find an exit. It’s not easy to stand up, but neither is constant humiliation. Martin Luther King said it best with “A man can’t ride your back unless it’s bent.”

Written by: Gwendolyn M. Ward, Principal at FOOW?

Subscribe to Blog: http://www.foowater.com/subscription.php

FOOW? Latest Blogs: http://www.foowater.com/blogs/

Email: swimming@foowater.com

Website: http://www.foowater.com

Years ago, I was hired to replace a manager who was staying with the company but moving to another department. In my first meeting with the manager, she provided a synopsis of the 35-member team, identifying winners, troublemakers and the borderline losers (her words). I don’t know what part of the ego her labeling came from, but it was revealing.

Labels aside, I engaged the team through a series of meetings where we introduced ourselves, talked about our backgrounds and discussed performance expectations. When some team members wanted to complain about the previous manager, I stopped them and made it clear that our relationship started the day we met. Any unresolved relationship issues were irrelevant, because I wasn’t interested in co-starring in anybody’s drama.

Several weeks in, I was getting acclimated and having a great time with the team. Our only hitch was the previous manager. She constantly asked me if I was experiencing the same issues with the same people she had. When I said no, she would become agitated and start repeating her synopsis. I realized she wasn’t concerned about a successful transition, but was more concerned about being right. She didn’t want me to replace her—she wanted me to extend her leadership reign.

Although she was like a slow-acting poison, I was patient with her because I understood how difficult it is to watch someone replace you, especially if you don’t know how to let go. If your replacement makes changes, for better or for worse, it means either you were lacking or your replacement is destroying your good works. It’s a difficult situation for the previous manager to witness and some may become too sensitive to the changes, thus creating an ungraceful exit.

After my patience and diplomacy ran its course, I used the advice of Henri Frederic Amiel, “A man must be able to cut a knot, for everything cannot be untied.” So I cut the knot by telling her I wasn’t interested in team members disparaging her and vice versa so hit the road and take your “misery needs company” labeling show with you. Needless to say, she didn’t go quietly, but she did go.

Learning the art of exiting gracefully is challenging because Emotions supersede Intellect and Ego beats the crap out of Common Sense. This is why break-ups are hard and, unfortunately in some cases, filled with bad things like strife and tacky drama coupled with collateral damage—all for the sake of SOMEONE needing to “be right.”

In the worst workplace situations, the “being right” need commonly manifests itself in ungraceful exits. We see this when people:

•Submit their notice and then go on a ‘negativity campaign’ about anything and everyone
•Submit their notice and make a concerted effort not to work another day for two weeks
•Not submit a notice and not return or send an email stating yesterday was their last day
•Commit acts of violence that we see in the news headlines

Exiting a bad personal or professional situation is a puzzle with a lot of pieces. And like a jigsaw puzzle, the pieces must interlock to create a bigger picture beyond your current situation. One time I was considering a young candidate for a high stress position and we were on the fence about his decision-making skills. We decided to check his references and a previous employer told us that on his last day, he forged his manager’s signature when he wanted to leave early and the manager wasn’t available. They also said that prior to this incident he was a good employee but this action was unacceptable. If I didn’t already have reservations about his judgment, I could have cited immaturity but since I did, we didn’t hire him.

Considering the bigger picture vs. acting on current frustration may serve you better if you ask yourself “what will I accomplish by trying to exact revenge?” and “what if I need a clearance or reference in the future, will my exit negatively impact this? Even if you are feeling unappreciated or wronged, why taint your previous successes or contributions with a bitter exit?

A better option to serve your bigger picture is to be grateful for your new job and celebrate your victory by giving proper notice, completing all the work you can and creating an action plan for the next person. Just release the “bitter” and move to “better.”

Whether it is a personal or professional exit, sometimes you have to use the motto: “I don’t want to be your friend or foe; it is just time for me to go.” It doesn’t mean the person or the organization isn’t good, it just means they weren’t good for you.

Written by: Gwendolyn M. Ward, Principal at FOOW?
Website: http://www.foowater.com
Email: swimming@foowater.com

Subscribe to blog

A friend was buying cigarettes and a stranger said, “The surgeon general said smoking can be hazardous to your health.” My friend responded, “Did they also tell you that #$!@ing with me can be hazardous to your health?” The stranger opted to move to another line.

When my friend told me about this encounter I laughed and then asked “why the heated response since you don’t smoke?” and she said, “because it wasn’t any of their business!” Now I don’t know if the stranger’s advice was sincere or sardonic, but I do know that giving advice, solicited or unsolicited, can be hazardous.

Whether you are the giver or receiver of advice, timing appears to be more critical than the truth; this is the principle behind the quote, “The truth out of season bears no fruit.” Unfortunately, most of us didn’t get the memo about how to tell advice time. I remember the first time I had to fly, I asked my cousin, an experienced flyer, for advice. He said, “Get a window seat because if it’s your time to go, at least you will see it coming.” His advice wasn’t elegant or comforting, but I took it—and thousands of flown miles later, I still remember it as the ugly truth.

Over the years, I have realized that many people can’t handle the truth even when they ask for it. I have had friends, co-workers, family and some strangers ask for advice, prefacing the request with, “I want you to tell me the honest truth.” And I foolishly thought they meant it:

• A co-worker told me she was written up for spending too much time on her personal business and for doing an overall inadequate job. She asked me for honest feedback. I proceeded to provide examples of my interactions with her, which unfortunately supported her manager’s review. I also said that she had one of the most patient managers around, because I would have written her up six months ago. Maybe I shouldn’t have added the last part, because she walked out and never spoke to me again.
• A friend was complaining about her boyfriend of five years, saying he was unmotivated and aimless. When she asked for my “honest” opinion, I said “fixing him doesn’t fix you.” You don’t have any anchors (marriage, children or mortgage) with him, but you still continue the relationship—even though you’re always talking about him like he’s an uninvited guest in your life. The question isn’t “what is wrong with him?,” but “what is wrong with you?” She left the conversation with a few curse words for me and didn’t speak to me for two years.

I’ve learned professionally and personally that even if you are invited to give your opinion, you shouldn’t accept every invitation. The simple truth is that people aren’t always honest about looking for honesty. In some cases, they are looking for you to co-sign their views instead of presenting a different one.

To reduce hazards in this game of advice, I TRY to follow two rules: Don’t go where you aren’t invited, and make every effort to understand the invitation. By understanding the invitation, you can weigh your RSVP options: whether to turn it down (pretty lie), come as you are (ugly truth) or dress for the occasion (sugarcoat it). Most importantly, if you do accept, you cannot overstay your welcome. Get in and get out. Then let nature take its course, because life will either beat you or teach you through your journey to maturity.

Over the years I have offered my cousin’s flying advice to nervous flyers. The same advice that I took in stride inspires a spectrum of reactions from others, from outrage to laughter. Not everyone respects the “ugly truth,” despite the saying that the truth will set you free—because some people just like being tied up.

Complete honesty can derail a conversation or relationship faster than an oil spill on wet pavement. Tread lightly when you are asked for advice, because sometimes you need to leave people in the ditch until they are ready to be set free.

Written by: Gwendolyn M. Ward

Principal at FOOW?

Email: swimming@foowater.com